A quarterback with a beard is pretty much a douchebag loser

In case you missed it, here’s Arizona’s Derek Anderson blowing up in the postgame presser following his team’s loss to San Francisco last night:

I’ve noticed that over the years, quarterbacks who decide to grow beards are pretty much friggin’ useless. Hell, Anderson’s the perfect case in point. Not so long ago, Arizona was playing in a Super Bowl. But with him under center, this team can’t even seem to fight its way out of the ultra pitiful NFC West.

What is it about facial hair that turns a quarterback into a douchebag loser? Take Eric Hipple, for example. He was the bearded Lions quarterback who led them to, well, nothing during the Reagan years. You don’t recall Hipple being that bad, but you wanna know why that is? Because one of the few times you actually saw the Lions play was on Thanksgiving in 1985, when he was 19-of-29 for 269 yards and 4 TD’s in an upset win over the Jets.

Hipple ended his career with 55 touchdown passes and 70 interceptions, which make the pedestrian numbers that Gary Danielson put up in Detroit look positively Montana-esque in comparison. Hey, Joe Montana, a quarterback who never had a beard. Go figure.

I know you’ve been picking your brain to think of a bearded quarterback who actually did do something in his career, and I’m sure you’ve come up with the name of Dan Fouts.  The same Dan Fouts who never could win a Super Bowl despite having a sick arsenal of offensive weapons at his disposal.  Sorry, we live in an age where 43,000 yards passing and no Super Bowl rings means people call you a loser.  Just ask Dan Marino.  Oh well, Fouts can blame it on the beard.

While Fouts fell short of even playing in a Super Bowl, his bearded contemporary, Ken Stabler, not only played in the big game but won it for Oakland in 1977.  People forget how great that Raider team was, losing only a single game all season long.  But does Stabler actually count in this discussion since he spent a good chunk of his career being clean shaven?  Hell, for the sake of this, let’s say once a beard guy, always a beard guy.

So maybe I’m wrong, a bearded quarterback (even if the facial hair is temporary) has actually succeeded.  But then again, there’s the last five years of Stabler’s career you have to account for, when he toiled for Houston and New Orleans.  In that time period, he managed 44 TD tosses and 79 interceptions (for his career he threw 28 more picks than TD’s).  Man, that reeks of a beard curse to me.

There’s also the much more recent case of Ben Roethlisberger, the occasionally bearded Pittsburgh quarterback who’s actually won TWO Super Bowl titles.  Oh yeah, the same guy who nearly killed himself in a motorcycle wreck and was suspected of rape in two different towns.  It appears that facial hair has done that nitwit a world of good.

Just for the sake of being fair and balanced in my assault on bearded quarterbacks, I’d better go ahead and mention the three DUI’s that Stabler’s gotten since 1995.  Unfortunately, none of Stabler’s drunken adventures produced a picture as blessed as this one of Roethlisberger:

Staying on the subject of beards in the Steel City, you might recall that Neil O’Donnell sported one in leading Pittsburgh to a Super Bowl XXX appearance against Dallas.  That was the game in which he threw two of the most boneheaded interceptions in history, both of which were gift wrapped presents given to Larry Brown.  Yup, blame it on the beard.

Another member of the temporary beard club was Jake Plummer, whom I recall was clean shaven during much of his tenure as a just slightly above average NFL quarterback.  But in the pantheon of bearded quarterbacks, his career numbers are actually pretty decent (161 TD’s against the exact same number of picks).

We all kept waiting for Plummer to become Peyton Manning, but that never did happen.  One reason why Manning has won championships and set NFL records could be that he never bothered with excessive facial hair during his career.  Just a thought.

Like Pittsburgh, Denver just can’t seem to get enough of bearded quarterbacks.  First there was Plummer, and now there’s Kyle “Neckbeard” Orton.  Here’s a guy who hasn’t quite reached journeyman status, but he’s sure as hell headed that way.  Denver just needs somebody not named Brady Quinn or Tim Tebow to take snaps until somebody better comes along.  Hopefully that next somebody won’t have a beard:

In terms of the actual quality of the facial hair being sported, Taylor Potts of Texas Tech might have the worst looking beard a quarterback has ever grown.  Take a look at this train wreck:

Vanderbilt, where football coaches go to disappear

Jeff Lockridge of the Tennessean is reporting that Vanderbilt is pursuing Temple’s Al Golden to fill its football head coaching vacancy. I’ll let him provide some of the details on Golden’s track record:

Golden has posted a 27-34 record in five seasons at Temple, including a 17-8 mark in the past two years. In 2009, he led the Owls to nine wins and their first bowl game in 30 years. Temple is 8-4 this season.

Golden, 41, played tight end at Penn State (1987-91). Since he’s been at Temple, he has been a candidate for multiple job openings, including at UCLA and Cincinnati. (The Tennessean)

In case you’re wondering, crafting a 27-34 record at Temple is sort of like going 53-8 at a school like Florida. Before Golden showed up, the last time I remember Temple being even a little bit relevant was back when Paul Palmer was playing tailback for them. For those of you to young to remember, that was 25 years ago.

So while Vanderbilt is interested in Golden, I can’t see the feeling being mutual. The guy’s already succeeded in his current reclamation project. Why bother taking on another? I wouldn’t be surprised if Golden stays put in Philly and waits for JoePa to retire, thus giving him a shot to coach his alma mater.

But who knows, maybe Golden wants to enter the SEC at literally the bottom floor. But making Vanderbilt truly competitive appears to be college football’s last great unfulfilled quest (besides getting Boise State into the BCS title game). When I started following the sport, it looked as if Kansas State, Northwestern and Vanderbilt would keep on sucking and sucking. As we all know, Vanderbilt’s the only program out of that group not to realize some sort of sustained gridiron glory in the last few decades.

So if Golden ends up in Nashville, that might very well be the last we’ll ever hear from the guy. He’ll join the list of other notable people who have suddenly disappeared, never to be heard from again:

◊ Amelia Earhart

The aviator was last seen winging it over the Pacific in 1937 in an attempt to fly around the world. A recent biopic in which Hillary Swank played her also abruptly disappeared from theaters.

◊ Jimmy Hoffa

The former Teamsters boss was last seen on July 30, 1975 in the parking lot of the Machus Red Fox Restaurant in Bloomfield Township, a suburb of Detroit. When the old Giants Stadium was demolished this year, no sign of Hoffa’s remains were found there.

◊ Andrew Ridgeley

He was the guy in Wham not named George Michael. When George decided to embark on a solo career, the writing was pretty much on the wall. Andrew recorded a 1990 solo album that nobody bought and is currently shacked up with one of the chicks from Bananarama (a band that also disappeared).

◊ Toni Kukoc

After being a mainstay on those great Chicago Bulls teams in the 90’s, Kukoc apparently played with other teams before retiring from the NBA. And while the photo below provides photographic evidence of that being the case, I remain skeptical.

◊ Sean Salisbury

Once upon a time, Salisbury was the NFL analyst on ESPN that we couldn’t get away from. Few people outside of that lazy eyed Stuart Scott seemed to get more air time than he did. But after being shitcanned by ESPN in 2008, he disappeared from view, surfacing occasionally to sue Deadspin.

When trick plays go horribly wrong (and other YouTube fun)

It’s the wrong ball trick play, a gimmick that would work a lot more if everyone hadn’t already seen it on YouTube. Apparently, #43 for the defense in the following clip, a kid named Troy Hattori, spends some time online:

The YouTuber who posted this video, chattori7, is a 38-year old relative of Troy’s. We know one thing for sure about chattori7: this person listens to some VERY crappy bands. I don’t know what was more brutal, Troy’s hit or the musical accompaniment for that clip.

I can’t tell if chattori7 is Troy’s father or not, because apparently, Troy’s dad is currently doing a tour of duty in Afghanistan. We know this because Troy dedicated the following YouTube video to him:

“Hey dad, this video is of me nearly killing a kid in Pop Warner, I hope you enjoy it. Sorry mom said “Holy Shit” on it, but you know how she is. Be safe.”

Is it just me, or does Troy look a little big for his age? You know, sort of like a Taiwanese Little Leaguer circa 1992?

The Larry King-ish Stream of Consciousness Column for 11/29

In this edition of the LKSOC we discuss Florida’s stumble, TCU’s big move and the blessed pic of the day:

◊ Florida football had no business being this bad

I’m not going to pick on Urban Meyer and Florida just for the sake of being a giant a-hole. Hell, Gator fans feel bad enough without me kicking around the corpse of this 7-5 regular season.

But while most of us expected the Gators to take a step or two back this year, few people thought they would backpedal to the brink of bowl eligibility. And I for one think they had no business doing so.

Oh yeah, every great program has a down season or two. That can usually be traced to a periodic talent drain that leaves an elite team a little thinner than it would like to be.  No school stays a dynasty forever.

But if you know anything about college football recruiting, then you know that Florida hasn’t had any problems attracting top tier talent the last few seasons. If ever there was a program that should be reloading and not rebuilding, then it’s this one.

Florida’s curious freefall has been the result of an offense that simply isn’t producing up to its usual standards. In the three seasons prior to this one, the Gators averaged 453.3 yards of offense per game. This season that average is all the way down to 357.3 yards a contest.

A drop in production was most certainly expected with the departure of a quarterback like Tim Tebow. His loss was probably felt the most in short yardage situations, as evidenced by the fact that he helped Florida convert a healthy 49% of its third down conversions a season ago. But with no Tebow around to bull through the defense, that percentage is down to a painfully average 38.5% this season.

The most curious part about Meyer’s approach to filling Tebow’s shoes was that the offensive system stayed in place, despite the fact that Tebow’s replacement, John Brantley, didn’t necessarily possess the same skill set. The result was that Brantley spent the season being a fish out of water.

Rachel George of the Orlando Sentinel pretty much summed it up here:

Throughout the preseason, Meyer talked about John Brantley finally getting his time and the Gators adjusting the offense to fit the skills of a dropback passer. They didn’t, and this remains arguably the biggest disappointment to the staff. Florida stuck with a Tim Tebow offense with a quarterback nothing like Tebow. To make up for that, they brought in two other players each with a narrow set of skills. It hasn’t worked. (Orlando Sentinel)

Much of the blame for this has been directed at offensive coordinator Steve Addazio, who, much to the chagrin of the torch carrying villagers in Gator Nation, will most likely be retained. If he and Meyer don’t tinker with this offense in such a way to take advantage of Brantley’s strengths, then 2011 could be another long campaign in Gainesville.

◊ The future of TCU athletics = long plane trips to Providence

TCU and its perpetual 10-win football program has r-u-n-o-f-t to the Big East, making that league about as accurately named as the Big Ten. With outposts in DePaul, Louisville, Milwaukee and Dallas-Fort Worth, this now resembles an expanding restaurant chain as opposed to the intimate regional basketball league it once was.

But hey, this is what happens when you have to chase those BCS dollars, and we all know that college football drives every decision being made these days in big time college athletics. Is it just a coincidence that his move is happening as UConn is on the verge of being the league’s 4-loss BCS representative? Probably not.

It will be 2012 before TCU officially competes as a member of the Big East. So if 2011 becomes another study in football mediocrity (or parity, if you’re a Big East mark) for the league, then TCU’s arrival the following season won’t come a moment too soon.

Of course, this is contingent on TCU staying good in football. And under Gary Patterson’s direction this program has been extremely good. For those of you who’ve lost track, this season marks the seventh time that Patterson has produced a 10-win campaign at TCU.

But the Big East has seen up close how a coaching change can turn a 10-win program into an also ran (refer to Louisville, West Virginia and Cincinnati the last few seasons). If Patterson were to be lured away from TCU, there’s absolutely no guarantee the next guy can simply slide in and sustain the success.

So while TCU’s move to the Big East sounds like a great move in the here and now, it will be at least 2015 before the verdict is in. If Patterson is still coaching the team then, I do suspect that verdict will be a positive one for everyone involved.

◊ Bill Stewart will snooze on the West Virginia sideline for at least one more season

Speaking of the Big East, rumors concerning Bill Stewart stepping down as West Virginia’s coach start swirling around on Saturday and didn’t subside until Stewart himself dispelled them on Sunday. Michael Minnich was there and provides the particulars here:

Rumors that West Virginia head coach Bill Stewart would retire at season’s end have been, in the word of Sarah Palin, refudiated.

“First and foremost, let me begin by saying the reports of my retirement are greatly exaggerated. In fact, you’re hearing it directly from me, Bill Stewart - I have no intention of walking away. I’m not focusing on retirement. Lastly, and most importantly, I’m focusing on Rutgers,” said Stewart in his weekly Sunday teleconference with media. (Mineral Daily News-Tribune)

I don’t blame Stewart for staying another year.  Hell, when you can catch a quality nap on the sideline and get paid for it, why bother retiring?:

◊ Your blessed picture of the day

The director of the George Mason pep band is a pimp. No, seriously, this guy appears to be an actual, honest to goodness pimp:

The Passion of the Bruce Pearl

Let me get one thing clear from the start: I’m a Bruce Pearl fan, I celebrate his entire catalog. What other men’s basketball coach would come out in support of his school’s women’s team the way he’s done in the past?:

Could you imagine Billy Donovan pulling a stunt like that? Donovan would sooner strangle Teddy Dupay and dump his lifeless body in the Okefenokee than put on body paint at a chick basketball game.

So Pearl gets the props from me, despite the fact that he’s been in some hot water lately. In my lifetime, Pearl’s the only hoops coach I can remember who’s been suspended for eight games by his own league. On top of that, he’s had to take a $1.5 million cut in his salary.  OUCH.

Hey, that’s what you get when you break the rules and then lie about when you’re confronted. But c’mon, Pearl had a barbecue at his house, invited some recruits and didn’t initially come clean when the NCAA first asked him about. In the Pantheon of Great College Scandals, this wasn’t exactly SMU football circa 1986.

Pearl’s wife Brandy is understandably upset about the trials and tribulations her husband has endured as of late. So much so that she’s gone a little overboard in defending him:

Actually Brandy, you probably know of three Jewish men who’ve been crucified.  If you’ll recall, Woody Allen got raked over the coals pretty good after that mess with Soon-Yi.

If you check out her Facebook wall right now, you’ll see that she’s deleted this particular message. That’s most likely because assholes like me were only too eager to point it out.

This is wife #2 for Bruce, and I think he picked a winner.  If his divorce from wife #1 was based on the fact that she didn’t make him out to be a Christ-like figure, then I’d say he’s more than rectified that problem with Brandy.  And now, the gratuitous NSFW Jesus rant from “The Big Lebowski”:

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