ESPN’s Andy Katz gets bent over on Twitter, Shawshank style

So today ESPN released its weekly college basketball power rankings, which is another list in what seems like an ever growing sea of them. Every outfit these days seems hellbent on providing its own rankings and/or bracket projections. If you don’t believe me, you can find 66 projected brackets right here. Does the world really need 66 of these things?

But let me get back on track. Anything put out by ESPN gets noticed, and these power rankings are no different. The Mothership’s approach is to have 16 of its analysts and writers provide their top 25 teams every week and then some intern in Connecticut averages everything up.

The glorious thing about this system is that ESPN makes it totally transparent, meaning we can all see how every dude voted, from Doug Gottlieb to LaPhonso Ellis. And that includes Andy Katz.

In the overall power rankings, the ESPN hoops gurus saw fit to make Louisville the 16th ranked team and St. John’s the 21st ranked team. But someone on Twitter noticed that Katz’s rankings didn’t reflect this:

The most horrifying picture ever taken

On “The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” one of the “housewives” is single mother Sheree Whitfield (how she qualifies as a housewife I have no idea). She’s the gold digger extraordinaire who took former Falcon lineman and Stanford grad Bob Whitfield to the cleaners.

I had an ex who went to law school with Bob Whitfield’s little sister and he generously paid the entire tab for his sibling. Thankfully for little sis, that was YEARS before Sheree drained his bank accounts.

The original cast of the show also included Lisa Wu Hartwell, with the Hartwell in question being Ed, who played linebacker for the Falcons. She had previously dug her talons into Keith Sweat but that marriage obviously didn’t last forever (man that pun works if you’re the least bit familiar with Sweat’s catalog).

After divorcing Sweat, Lisa Wu failed to get custody of their kids. Now think about that for second. You gotta be some kind of screwed up woman to not get custody of your kids in this country. That’s because the woman almost ALWAYS gets custody, that’s just how the system is set up.

There was also DeShawn Snow, who swooped up former NBA point guard Eric Snow as her hubby. She did completely insane things like spending his money to start up charitable foundations that sane people didn’t feel the need to give money to. Not surprisingly, he divorced her last year.

So there you have it, a pattern of gold digging has been established by the “Housewives” cast. Therefore, if you’re an entertainer or athlete in metro Atlanta, wouldn’t you steer clear of these vampires?

Apparently, Falcons defensive end Kroy Biermann didn’t get the memo. In fact, he even hooked up with the most batshit nuts chick in the entire cast, Kim Zolciak. She’s the chain smoking wig wearer who looks like a tranny, only she’s not a tranny. How do we know that? Because Kroy knocked her up, and here’s the horrifying proof:

It’s hard to believe that this dude willingly put his unprotected weenis into her hoohaw dilly, but he did. And now he’s been sucked into the same kind of vortex that guys like Whitfield wish they had never been pulled into.

I tend to believe that Biermann’s upbringing might have something to do with his strange behavior. He was born in Montana and played his football at the University of Montana. Therefore, tt’s quite possible that in the lonely confines of Big Sky country, one might grow up in such a way to think that a woman like Kim Zolciak is quite a catch. Man, what a hayseed.

The Larry King-ish Stream of Consciousness Column for 2/23

In this edition of the LKSOC we discuss the Deron Williams trade, a homeless Harvey and Kate Winslet’s lust for crotch blood:

◊ Does Knick nation REALLY love the Melo deal?

You wanna see a schizophrinic fan base? Look no further than the New York Knicks. Yesterday, Knick fans were on cloud nine after their team finally engineered a trade that brought in Carmelo Anthony (with Chauncy Billups being a nice throw in). It wasn’t hard to find tweets proclaiming that a new NBA title banner would be hanging in MSG sooner as opposed to later.

Fast forward to this morning and the mood of many in Knick nation has changed a little bit. That’s because word came out that the Nets, who aggressively pursued Anthony themselves, had shipped Devin Harris, Derrick Favors and two first round picks to the Jazz in exchange for Deron Williams. BOOM.

So before Anthony has even played his first game as a Knick, you’ve got the Nets stealing their thunder. That’s because all of us, Knick fans included, realize just how valuable a commodity an elite point guard is in the NBA. Hell, just ask the Hawks, who passed on both Williams and Chris Paul in the 2005 draft and haven’t been able to break out of the middle of the Eastern Conference pack ever since.

Hey, I’m not saying that casual Knick fans aren’t still thrilled to be reveling in the buzz that comes with acquiring a superstar.  But judging from copious feedback on Twitter, many hardcore Knick fans wouldn’t have minded if Williams had been the prize instead. Pairing a top shelf point with Amare Stoudemire might yield better results than a Amare-Melo duo will.  But hey, only time will tell.

I guess in this torrent of NBA trade activity, it’s easy to lose track of the facts. Here’s the Oakland Tribune crediting Williams with having gone to Melo’s school:

Kelly Dwyer provided an interesting perspective on these trades over on Yahoo! Sports:

If Williams extends his contract with the Nets later this year, both he and Brook Lopez (assuming he re-signs) will be working under contracts developed under the next collective bargaining agreement. This means the deals that could be worth about 60 or 70 percent of what Stoudemire and Anthony will earn in New York. And while Lopez and Williams aren’t as good as Stoudemire and Anthony in total, they’re certainly better than 60 or 70 percent as good as New York’s flashy duo. (Yahoo! Sports)

◊ Tree killer Harvey Updyke completes his march to inevitable homelessness

From the “Not a word of this is shocking” files:

MONTGOMERY, Ala. (AP) — The man accused of poisoning the famed Oak trees at Auburn University is living in a car and bathing himself in a creek, his friend told the Montgomery Advertiser.

Wayne Barnes said he would not disclose the location of his friend, Harvey Updyke, who has been charged with first-degree criminal mischief after the trees were poisoned. Authorities say Updyke is free on bond. (Associated Press)

You know what this means?  Some poor bastard in East Alabama is going to be strolling down a country road and stumble across Harvey, who’ll most likely be dressed in full Tide garb at the time, dropping a deuce in the weeds. If that won’t generate spontaneous blindness I don’t know what will.

◊ What the hell is Bryant Gumbel writing in between “Real Sports” segments?

Word came out this week that HBO’s “Real Sports with Bryant Gumble” is preparing a piece in which Stanley McClover will say he was paid to play football at Auburn and Chris Keys will say the same thing about Alabama. But apparently, McClover’s story is already being torpedoed by some.

I like “Real Sports,” I think it’s a superior show to anything of a similar format being put out by ESPN. But the only knock I have on it is what goes on between segments. If you’ve seen the show, then you know this is when Gumbel sits across from the reporter to discuss the previous segment. In the instance below, he’s talking to Bernard Goldberg about his piece on Victor Conte:

What the hell is Gumbel writing down while he’s talking? Are we to believe that he’s taking notes based on what Goldberg is saying? Hey, Bryant, there are easier ways to get your notes taken, they’re called INTERNS. And you do realize it’s all being videotaped, right? That precludes you having to keep a detailed personal journal.

It reminds me of the mad scribbling that Jackie Sherrill used to do on whatever college football sideline he was patrolling. He appeared to be the only head coach in the nation writing down a detailed account of the entire football game being played in front of him.

◊ When mascots turn on their own

What was the bigger Nashville collapse, the one that the Vanderbilt basketball team had last night against Tennessee or was it the singing career of Mindy McCready? Well, at least Vandy has an NCAA bid to fall back on after this 60-51 defeat.  McCready’s backup plan was Celebrity Rehab and a sex tape.

But I’m more concerned with what happened in the stands last night at Memorial Gym.  One pitiful Vanderbilt fan not only had to endure watching the Commodores implode, he also had to deal with this:

You know what makes that bloody nose worse? It was “white out” night at Vandy, which is pretty much the worst possible time to get clubbed in the face by a menacing robber baron. Ah, the stains on that shirt will be a constant reminder of a game gone bad.

Now that I think about it, I thought mascots only hit other mascots?  Below is just such an instance, and I think it’s hilarious that the Bobcat puts his head back on before resuming his attack. Hey, NEVER leave off your protective headgear (i.e. giant head) in a mascot fight, that’s rule #1:

◊ Kate Winslet: Queen of the Train Wreck Endings

So last night I finally got around to watching “Revolutionary Road,” the DiCaprio-Winslet flick based on the Richard Yates novel. Here’s a recap (spoiler alert): a wife talks her husband into moving the family to Paris, he gets cold feet, they have ugly confrontational shouting matches, there’s adultery and then she dies trying to perform an abortion on herself. Seriously, that’s it in a nutshell.

Is the acting good? Sure, these are pros. Does the film look good? Definitely, the set design was great. But it’s hard to endure a movie where not one person on the screen comes off as likable. Seriously, not one.

This isn’t the first time a Winslet movie has ended with a character bleeding from the privates at his or her own hand. Remember “Little Children,” where Jackie Earle Haley’s pedophile performs a self castration? If there’s a solid script floating around Hollywood right now where a lead character takes a shotgun blast to the crotch, I’m sure Winslet will be interested.

Bad stats, bad stats, what you gonna do? (2/20 edition)

I always celebrate the start of college baseball season. Why? Because that’s when teams from the north travel south and take some horrendous beatings. And horrendous beatings yield very bad stats:

• CBB - No program in the country has been knocked further down than Binghamton. And going into this past Wednesday’s play, the Bearcats were on a nine-game skid. So what happens? They go out and beat Hartford by 30. THIRTY. Damn Hartford, you should be absolutely humiliated. In losing this one, the Hawks pulled down a grand total of 15 rebounds against a team that sports a rebound margin of -4.7 a contest. Ouch.

• CBB - This weekend we were treated to not one but THREE college basketball contests in which neither team could break the 50-point barrier. In losing 48-46 at North Carolina, Boston College posted its lowest point total since joining the ACC. In South Alabama’s 48-47 win over Denver, the teams combined to shoot 36%. But those efforts were absolutely scintillating compared to the shooting in the Campbell-Florida Gulf Coast game. The Camels and Eagles shot a dismal 26%, with Florida Gulf Coast winning by a 47-39 count.

• College baseball - The NC Central baseball team essentially pitched batting practice to Temple yesterday, giving up 33 hits en route to losing 30-10. Eagle starter Sam Fulmer was roughed up for 10 hits and 10 runs (4 earned) over 2 1/3 innings before giving way to Brandon Oatis, who gave up 8 hits and 8 earned runs over the next inning and 2/3’s.

• College baseball - In one of the worse double headers in recent history, Coppin State endured a pair of beatings yesterday at the hands of Charlotte. Game one was only a 11-0 beatdown, while game two was a full fledged massacre to the tune of 21-0. In the two games, Coppin State managed only six hits. SIX.

• College baseball - George Washington traveled down to Georgia Southern and actually won its season opener by an 8-6 count in 10 innings. The last two games of the series, though, didn’t go as well for the Colonials. On Saturday, Georgia Southern won by a 5-0 count and then blew GW out by an 18-0 score in the rubber match. That final game was a brutal display of baseball by the Colonials: 6 hits, 4 errors and 3 GSU batters were hit by pitches.

Concerned commenter corrects a blogger at his own peril

When it comes to an event like Harvey Updyke poisoning hundred year old oak trees on the Auburn campus, the blogosphere was no different than the traditional media from the standpoint that everyone wanted to jump on the story in a hurry.

Hey, despite not having editors breathing down their necks, bloggers have a sense of urgency, too.  They’re not all housewife drones with Tumblr accounts who only post when they have pictures of their semi-cute kids to share with friends who’ve long ago tired of seeing those rugrats.

Yesterday was one of those days when anyone with a blog even remotely devoted to college sports felt compelled to chime in.  Harvey Updyke inspired a friggin’ nation, people.

Count Mr. SEC as one of those bloggers caught up in the wave of a rivalry gone bad.  He rushed the following piece onto the interwebs yesterday while the Updyke saga was still unfolding:

Mr. SEC, whose site is a pretty solid offering, made one slip in his rush to publish: it’s Dadeville, not Dadetown. Twitter legend and frequent LonelyTailgater.com commenter Mac B noticed and that’s when the fun started:

The fact that Mr. SEC doesn’t initially get the gist of what Mac is trying to correct isn’t necessarily the clincher. No, it’s the fact that he goes a little Harvey Updyke on Mac that seals the deal.

How massively epic would it have been if Mr. SEC had gone full Harvey and unloaded with both crazy barrels, maybe something along the lines of:

“Mac B you ungrateful F’ing prick bastard son of a bitch. I do and do and do and do for you people and this is the thanks I get?!? Here’s an idea, take the smart phone you read this on and stick it right up your poop chute, bro.”

Luckily for all of you, I’ve found evidence that Mac B might be casting his stones from in front of a great big glass house. Check out the tweet he sent out earlier today:

Wow, to call this tweet a disaster is an understatement. The clear misspellings of “Paul” and “please” along with the horrible grammar signal that maybe Mac should put down his copy of the AP Stylebook, pick up a Fuck & Wagnalls and then look up the word “hipocrissy.”

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