Jim Harbaugh puts another entry into the Pantheon of Horrible Sports Handshakes

I still can’t get over the gloriousness that was Jim Harbaugh’s postgame handshake with Jim Schwartz this past Sunday. If you missed it, Harbaugh’s Lions had just escaped with a hard fought 25-19 win over Schwartz’s Lions when all hell broke loose:

There’s so much BLESSED stuff going on in that clip. Did you catch Harbaugh flash his belly at the :23 second mark? That should’ve been our clue that something goofy was going to happen a few seconds later when he got to Schwartz.

Chris Chase of Yahoo! pointed out that Harbaugh could very well have been rubbed the wrong way by Schwartz earlier in the game over a disputed Lions touchdown. Could that have contributed to his exuberance? I’m of the opinion that it could very well have. As for Schwartz, here’s how he explained his own actions:

“I went to congratulate Coach Harbaugh and got shoved out of the way,” he said. “[I] didn’t expect an obscenity at that point … you’re excited and things like that, but I think there’s a protocol that goes with this league.” (Yahoo!)

C’mon, Schwartz, don’t be an asswipe. You prance around the Lions’ sideline like a smug bastard, which means you’re essentially Wayne Fontes with a little more control at the dinner table. Remember, your franchise won’t stop being totally crappy until you guide it to a playoff win. The last Lions coach to do that? The aforementioned Fontes, in 19fucking92.

Turning back to the other player in the saga, it’s well chronicled by now that this wasn’t the first time that Harbaugh has experienced some postgame goofiness with an opposing coach.  The following clip was from back in 2009 when his Stanford Cardinal team had just finished dispatching USC:

Carroll was more than a little butthurt that Harbaugh had gone for a 2-point conversion with 6:47 to play…when Stanford was up by 27.  But let’s not pick on just one guy here.  No, there are plenty of others who’ve put quality entries into the Pantheon of Horrible Sports Handshakes.  From all the way back in 1995, here’s Rutgers coach Doug Graber getting the redass with Penn State’s Joe Paterno for, you guessed it, running up the score:

The Pantheon also includes this gem from a few years back, when Lee Corso tried to shake A BLIND KID’S hand before the start of the Rose Bowl:

My personal favorite in the Pantheon? This mother effing GLORIOUS attempt at a handshake between Kevin Love and Wes Johnson of the Timberwolves last season:

I’m amazed that more brawls don’t break out during postgame hockey handshakes, as was the case when North Dakota faced off with Minnesota in 2008:

Texas head coach Mack Brown had a fascinating take on postgame handshakes during yesterday’s Big 12 weekly coaches teleconference:

“I’ve been a proponent of not shaking hands after the game for a long time. Some coaches don’t like each other to start with, so you have to walk down there and tell him ‘good luck’ before the game, and you don’t want to. After a game, some guy may have run up the score, (or) some guy gets beat on the last second. I have felt for a long time those TV cameras love it because they run and get right in the face hoping somebody’s going to mess it up.”

EXACTLY, Mack, l’m hoping you get into a midfield brawl with Art Briles or Tommy Tuberville in front of multiple cameras. Hell, we’re all like that guy from “Superbad,” we’re PRAYING to see a fight:

The Larry King-ish Stream of Consciousness Column for October 7, 2011

In this edition of the LKSOC we discuss a possible college football rushing renaissance, an unneeded apology from the Braves, the Fucktard of the Year and the possible demise of Ned Flanders:

◊ Is college football getting back to three yards and a cloud of dust?

There’s still a lot of football left to be played, but if current trends hold true, there will be a very noticeable uptick in the number of teams putting up gaudy numbers via the ground. Currently, five teams (Georgia Tech, the Service Academies and Utah State) are averaging more than 300 yards rushing per contest. A sixth, Oregon, is just a tick under that number at 299.5 per game.

Since 2007, only four teams (Navy in ‘07, Nevada in ‘09, Georgia Tech in ‘10 and Air Force in ‘10) have finished a season averaging better than 300 yards rushing per game. Granted, it’s those same schools (save for Nevada) that are currently leading the rushing parade in ‘11, so it might be premature to define this as a trend.

But a lot of prominent teams are also making more headway on the ground, at least to this point. Alabama is averaging 229 yards a game, up from 183 a season ago. Florida, under the direction of offensive coordinator Charlie Weis for the first time, has gone from 167 ypg to 210. Texas put up 150 rushing yards a game in ‘10 but is going at a 206 yard clip in ‘11.

◊ The Blind, Deaf and Dumb Side

I guess the Tuohy family are a bunch of STAUNCH PC users who don’t have any need for those fancy portable music players that were all the rage:

◊ We’re sorry for letting down such a crappy pro sports town

Thanks to David O’Brien of the AJC for sharing the following letter that the Atlanta Braves sent out to their season ticket holders:

(Braves logo here on letterhead)
755 Hank Aaron Dr SE
Atlanta, Georgia 30315

October 6, 2011

Dear Steve,

On behalf of the entire Braves organization, I would like to thank you for all of the great support you showed us this season. Your continued involvement in this team plays a pivotal role in our ability and drive to succeed. While there were many exciting moments during our 2011 season, unfortunately, we fell short of our ultimate goal. Together, we share in the disappointment and frustration of how and when this season ended.

For a majority of the season we owned one of the four best records in baseball. We had five members of our team representing the Braves at the All-Star Game, and we had the two best rookies in the league on our team – either Kimbrel or Freeman will surely win the Rookie of the Year Award. We witnessed an historic hitting streak by Dan Uggla and his incredible defense all year. Throughout the season, we began to see the remarkable depth of talent in our young players.

However, our performance in the month of September was unacceptable to all in the organization, and we will evaluate and analyze our missteps to do all we can to prevent this from happening again. Our General Manager, Frank Wren, and his staff have already begun to evaluate our team and will be focusing throughout the off-season on building upon the strengths of this team and repairing our weaknesses to achieve our goal.

Like you, I am very proud of the history and achievements of your Atlanta Braves organization. However proud we are of that legacy, I would like to reiterate to you that our focus is on the future and our goal for next season is to win a World Championship for you, our loyal fans.

Once again, I appreciate all you do to support the Braves organization and team. I truly hope you will continue to be part of the great atmosphere and community we all share in Braves Country.

Sincerely,

John Schuerholz
President
Atlanta Braves (AJC.com)

John, really, why bother apologizing to a mostly crappy fan base that doesn’t appear to be that interested in the team to start with? Even when the Braves were regular postseason participants you could find droves of empty seats at the Ted.

When a team collapses before a string of sold out crowds, as the Red Sox did this season, then I can see the need for someone in management to go to Hallmark and find the most sincere “I’m Sorry” card they make. Hell, Sox fans need more than an apology letter at this point, they all need a bear hug and a tender, “It’ll be alright” from Jim Rice to make it through the winter.

But Atlanta is a different kind of town. This is the kind of place where you could find people wearing their Michael Vick #7 Falcon jerseys to the Georgia Dome when he and the Eagles came to play Atlanta recently. What kind of nutcases are these people?

Schuerholz has done more than enough during his career as a Braves executive to keep an indifferent city entertained. With that in mind, he doesn’t need to apologize for shit.

◊ Just how bad did Mark Sanchez play against the Ravens?

Forgive me for backtracking but I have to rewind to this past Sunday night and revisit the monumentally bad performance that the Jets’ Mark Sanchez had against the Ravens. That because under one system, ESPN’s new Total Quarterback Rating (QBR), Sanchez’s effort was the worst one since 2007 for a quarterback who started a game and took at least 40 snaps.

In the contest he went 11-for-35 for 119 yards with no TD’s and one interception (that was returned for a score) while also fumbling four times, three of which were picked up by Baltimore with two of those being run back for touchdowns. Did you catch all of that crappiness?

But when you plug Sanchez’s numbers into the traditional quarterback rating system, his effort wasn’t necessarily all-time bad (it rates a 30.5). The guy who’s been more than willing to criticize Sanchez as of late, former Jets’ great/alcoholic Joe Namath, wasn’t a stranger to putting out sub-30 quarterback ratings himself. His 16-for-37/no TD’s/4 picks game against the Oilers in 1966 generated a quarterback rating of 14.6.

What can you take from that? Even iconic quarterbacks have very bad efforts. And let’s face it, Sanchez was going against that Ravens defense in Baltimore, where that unit is even saltier than it usually is. So while it is worrisome for Jets fans that his mistakes are too often of the massive variety, I wouldn’t write Sanchez off quite yet.

◊ Someone please whip this kid’s ass right now

Here’s Jeff Gilliland of the Wilmington (OH) News Journal laying out the details of how a high school kid has put himself in the running for “Fucktard of the Year”:

A suspect has been indentified in the postgame attack that left more than 20 McClain High School student-athletes injured following last Friday’s McClain vs. Washington football game in Greenfield.

Greenfield Police Chief Tim Hester said suspect is a 16-year-old Washington Senior High School student who attended the game, but did not play. Hester said the suspect was ineligible, but was on the bench during the game and shook hands with the McClain players following the game.

The incident allegedly took place as the teams exchanged handshakes at the conclusion of the South Central Ohio League contest won 26-0 by Washington.

McClain High School Principal Dr. Dan Strain said 27 McClain student-athletes received puncture wounds or scratches on their hands.

Hester said his department believes the instrument used to injure the McClain players was a tack.

“It was a small, sharp object,” Hester said. “We think it was probably a tack, but we haven’t recovered it so we can’t say for sure.” (Wilmington News Journal)

I would be all for it if the powers that be could arrange it so that all 27 of the kids who hand their hands cut could go over and whip this dude’s ass.  Not a fatal whipping, mind you, but something along the lines of what Barry Pepper gave Ed Norton toward the end of “25th Hour.”

That’s a big problem in this society, the lack of ass whippings for people who deserve them.  And in this case, wouldn’t it do wonders for a 16-year old to know that there are repercussions for knuckleheadedness?  Instead, this kid will probably develop into a date rapist or a meth cook or something like that.

◊ Is this the end of Ned Flanders?

And you thought the NBA was the only place where management is currently trying to strong arm the help. The execs at Fox are trying to get the voice talent on “The Simpsons,” who all earn roughly $400,000 an episode, to take huge pay cuts. Here’s what Harry Shearer had to say about the matter:

Fox wants to cut our salaries in half because it says it can’t afford to continue making the show under what it calls the existing business model. Fox hasn’t explained what kind of new business model it has formulated to keep the show on the air, but clearly the less money they have to pay us in salary, the more they’re able to afford to continue broadcasting the show. And to this I say, fine – if pay cuts are what it will take to keep the show on the air, then cut my pay. In fact, to make it as easy as possible for Fox to keep new episodes of “The Simpsons” coming, I’m willing to let them cut my salary not just 45% but more than 70% – down to half of what they said they would be willing to pay us. All I would ask in return is that I be allowed a small share of the eventual profits.

My representatives broached this idea to Fox yesterday, asking the network how low a salary number I would have to accept to make a profit participation feasible. My representatives were told there was no such number. There were, the Fox people said, simply no circumstances under which the network would consider allowing me or any of the actors to share in the show’s success. (Deadline.com)

Damn, Fox, even Avon Barksdale let his drug slinging middle men get points on the package. Shearer is offering up a bigger salary cut in exchange for a back end deal that I’m guessing won’t put Fox in the poor house. And they STILL won’t agree to that.  WOW.