The LT End of the Year Superlatives for 2011

Well, another year full of crap you pretty much did in 2010 as well has now come to an end. As I look back on the year that was 2011, I do so with a sense of longing for the innocence I had before Charlie Sheen was fired from “Two and a Half Men.” Life was so much better when that dumbshit had a sitcom with which to take up his time.

Thankfully for you, Charlie won’t be appearing in these superlatives, but some people you know and love are here. Enjoy:

Douchebag of the Year

There was never a snowball’s chance in hell that Harvey Updyke wasn’t going to win this.  This bat shit nuts son of a bitch burst onto the scene EARLY in 2011 and set the bar so high that not even a grandstanding race baiter like Bomani Jones stood a chance of overtaking him.

Not only did Harvey poison treasured landmarks on the Auburn campus, he also made up a story about being jumped outside a gas station following a court appearance.  These dipshits like Pat Dye need to get a friggin’ clue when they say Updyke is just some rogue supporter with a major screw loose.  The Alabama fan base nurtures maniacs like this:

Tweet of the Year

Everyone knows that I’m a Twitter addict so picking one single tweet that stood out over all the rest was pretty damn tough.  But in the end, I have to go with one that I was totally blind sided by:

Downfall of the Year

Another tough category that had plenty of contenders, but in the end I had to go with Bruce Pearl.  The dude had it so damn good at Tennessee, he had carved out quite the niche for himself in Knoxville.  But now he’s gone from that to being a coaching pariah.  It’ll be a long time before he climbs out of this abyss.

Web Site of the Year

There are few things as glorious as the Forcier family web site, QBForce.com.  You know you’re in for a lot of unintended hilarity when a site is peppered with a ton of goofy inspirational quotes, and that’s exactly what you get here.  Hell, there’s even one from Tony Robbins for Christ’s sake.  Here’s a snippet:

Viral Video of the Year

Africa, you wonderful continent:

Play of the Year

Once again, here’s a case of someone setting the bar high early in the year and nobody being able to catch him.  Absolutely sick stuff from Marshawn Lynch:

Most Hopelessly Confused Fan of the Year

A Baylor fan who worships the Bahr? Well, whatever gets you through the night, chief:

Worst Sports Announcing Effort of the Year

Stunningly, Matt Millen is not being recognized here.  Instead, the nod goes to Mike Patrick.  Could Mike go an entire game with getting Clemson coach Brad Brownell’s name wrong?  Sure he could:

Most Batshit Nuts Effort by a Mascot

Vanderbilt’s mascot, Mr. C., is a much bigger asshole than Richie Cunningham’s dad ever dreamed of being:

Best effort by a white rapper to cash in on the fame of his college hoops playing brother

Wow, this may have been the most hotly contested category of them all.  But after much deliberation it goes to T.J. Fredette over MC Plumlee Plum:

Best Sports-Related Arrest of the Year

Florida basketball players Erik Murphy and Cody Larson, along with team manager Joshua Adel, took a trip to St. Augustine this past April. Thankfully for us, the police cars there are equipped with audio taping equipment:

Bomani Jones, Cam Newton, and the “Bring The Pain Effect”

In a piece that was posted yesterday on sbnation.com, Bomani Jones offered up a strange rant on why Cam Newton should be harder on his “racist critics.”  Here’s a highlight:

In his feature on Newton, David Fleming mentioned Cam’s affection for Drake’s music. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Newton offered a silly response to Warren Moon’s belief that much of the criticism of Newton going into the 2011 NFL Draft stemmed from racism.

“But I can’t sit up here and look at it like, oh man, my critics are racist,” Newton says. “I blame JaMarcus Russell and to some degree Vince Young. If you have the opportunity to make that kind of money doing something you love to do, why would you screw it up? I’m trying to be a trailblazer. If Baylor’s Robert Griffin decides to come out, I want people to say ‘He can be the next Cam Newton’ instead of ‘He’s gonna be the next JaMarcus Russell.’”

Never mind that the massive, athletic Andrew Luck seems more similar to Newton than the spindly Griffin, in spite of the unwritten rule that such comparisons aren’t allowed.

The real danger is in the foolishness of the quote and its underlying sadness. It’s stupid because the knocks on Cam were based in the same madness that sent his mentor, Moon, to Canada seven years before Russell was born. And it’s heartbreaking because, in spite of the progress the world claims it has made with regards to race, the young man who could be the NFL’s future blamed his own unfair treatment on two men who had to fight the same battles. (sbnation.com)

The danger in comparing the very real racial bias that Warren Moon overcame with the perceived racial bias that Cam Newton struggles against today is simple: Newton is a number one pick who’s had the red carpet rolled out for him by the NFL.  Moon, on the other hand, had to start his career in the CFL.

It’s an apples to oranges comparison that would seem to hint at the fact that in the 30+ years between Moon being named Rose Bowl MVP and Newton winning the Heisman that things have actually gotten better for black quarterbacks.  Call me silly, but there’s a massive difference between Moon being not even being picked and Newton being the first guy who gets to shake the commissioner’s hand on draft night.

But despite having a somewhat shaky argument, Jones soldiered on in his piece, saying the following:

Newton was often compared to (JaMarcus) Russell and (Vince) Young, even Akili Smith. The only thread linking all three was race. Newton’s ability to absorb a pro-style offense after years in the spread was questioned, even though Sam Bradford, the previous No. 1 pick made the same adjustment to positive reviews. His work ethic was questioned, as if a man could simply roll out of bed and have the best season ever for a college quarterback. (sbnation.com)

This is where Jones really starts to go off the rails.  In Oklahoma’s pass happy system, Bradford attempted 483 passes in his Heisman-winning season.  That’s 203 more than Newton attempted in his lone season at Auburn under the tutelage of Gus Malzahn, practitioner of a run-first spread offense.

What was the signature play of Newton’s one season on the Plains?  It was this:

I can see how plays like that would get draftniks to concentrate on Newton’s legs as opposed to his shotgun arm. And even Jones would agree that the prevailing thought is that a quarterback from a run-first spread offense might be perceived as needing some work in the passing department. Hell, Matt Jones needed so much work in the passing department that the Jaguars made him play wide receiver coming out of Arkansas, and the dude wasn’t even black.

But wait, it gets better when Bomani bashes the evil schools that sought to keep Newton down:

Don’t forget: this wasn’t the first time someone inexplicably deemed Newton couldn’t play quarterback for reasons that must range from silly to nonexistent. Rodney Garner, Georgia’s recruiting coordinator, unequivocally told Newton’s high school coaches Newton would never play quarterback in the SEC. Instead, the Bulldogs signed Logan Gray, a quarterback from Missouri termed by Rivals as a “dual-threat” quarterback, to run his pro-style attack. Richt offered Cam the chance to play tight end — a position switch that harkens the bad ol’ days — and probably cost himself a national championship. (sbnation.com)

Good lord, I’ve been put into a position to defend Rodney Garner (who, for the record, is African-American), what is this world coming to? In he and Richt’s defense, it’s not out of the realm of possibility to look at a stellar athlete like Newton and see SEVERAL possibilities. Their lack of interest in playing him at quarterback could very well have been a function of what Georgia’s most urgent roster needs were at the time.

How would Newton have done at tight end for Georgia? Of course he wouldn’t have won the Heisman but he would’ve been All-SEC, that much I’m certain of. And also, don’t forget that Richt is the same guy who was more than comfortable having a black quarterback (that being D.J. Shockley) take the reins of his offense. So to imply that Richt’s reluctance to play Newton at quarterback was a function of racial bias is EXTREMELY short sighted.

Jones goes on to take Florida to task for its hatred of black quarterbacks. Keep in mind that this was the school that actually recruited Newton to play quarterback:

Then there’s Newton’s peculiar time at Florida, where some say Newton outplayed Tebow in the spring of 2008, before he transferred, largely because he would never start over John Brantley. You read that right. (sbnation.com)

Way to gloss over what was arguably the single most important thing that led to Newton’s departure from Florida: his involvement with that stolen laptop. And let’s be real, not even a dude as stupid as Steve Addazio would’ve started Brantley over Newton. I’m of the opinion that Jones’ assessment of the Florida depth chart is just pure conjecture on his part.

Jones taking Newton to task for criticizing guys like Russell and Young is something I call the “Bring the Pain Effect.” What I’m referring to is the comedy special that Chris Rock did for HBO in 1996 that catapulted him into the upper tier of stand up comedians. This was by far the most memorable segment of that special:

As a result, Rock drew criticism from segments of the black community, despite the fact that he was in fact an equal opportunity criticizer during that bit (”Shit, the whole rest of the country, the other 40 states, is filled up with broke ass white people.”) His diatribe hit too close to home for some, and I can understand that kind of discomfort. “Hold on, Chris. You’re airing dirty laundry on a channel that mostly white people watch. Bring it down a notch.”

Rock’s reaction to that criticism? He’s never again taken the stage and done a similar bit. Hell, the title of the next stand up special he did after “Bring The Pain” gave a hint that something had changed, it was called “Bigger & Blacker.” And I find that fascinating.

What it says to me is that an African-American who makes it into a position of notoriety must be careful and measured in making assessments of people with the same ethnic background. A white comedian can rip into dumbass rednecks all day long and it’s harmless fun for everyone. But when a black comedian does what Rock did in “Bring The Pain,” not everyone is amused.

That kind of thinking is what motivated Jones to lay into Newton the way he did. In Jones’ eyes, how dare one black quarterback make light of other black quarterbacks when in the not-so-distant past the position was deemed to be off limits to men of that skin color.

But in doing so, Jones creates a weird narrative of struggle for Newton that didn’t actually happen. You can’t create fiction to make Newton’s career into more of a parallel of Warren Moon’s. Jones won’t admit it, but racial bias just hasn’t been that big of a problem for Newton up to this point. When you understand that, the things coming out of Cam’s mouth make much more sense.

Male NASCAR fans? Not your biggest breastfeeding fans.

So out of the blue, breastfeeding has come to the forefront of our national consciousness. In case you’ve been under a rock, here’s what I’m taking about:

Robyn Ross sat in the furniture department at Target on Creekside Way on Wednesday, breastfeeding her hungry daughter.

Ross was one of a handful of moms at the New Braunfels Target, and just one of hundreds who participated in a nationwide ‘nurse-in.’

The protest was organized by Michelle Hickman, who claims she was humiliated by Target employees while breastfeeding her baby inside Houston-area store. She spread word of the alleged incident through Facebook, drawing more than 4,000 supporters to join the group. (KENS5.com)

As for me, I’m not really bothered by a lot of the stuff that seems to irk other people so much when it comes to children.  Crying babies?  That’s usually noise that I can tune out.  Breastfeeding in public?  Hey, a thirsty baby + a handy tap = makes sense to me.  Have at it, ladies.

Let’s be honest, long before boobs were a vehicle by which Sofia Vergara could forward her acting career they were handy dandy milk dispensers.  People who continue to see a breast as an overtly sexual organ even when a hungry baby is attached to it need to chill out and learn the art of differentiation.

Enough about me, though.  Yesterday, none other than NASCAR driver Kasey Kahne thrust himself into the breastfeeding debate with the following tweets (he deleted the originals on his Twitter account):

@kaseykahne Kasey Kahne
Just walking through supermarket. See a mom breast feeding little kid. Took second look because I was obviously seeing things. I wasn’t!
27 Dec
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@kaseykahne Kasey Kahne
One boob put away and one boob hanging!!! #nasty
27 Dec
»
@kaseykahne Kasey Kahne
I don’t feel like shopping anymore or eating
27 Dec

With Twitter being an open forum it wasn’t long before people were responding to Kahne’s diatribe.  Among them was some chick who goes by the handle @KnittingRad, and she called Kahne a douchebag.  Sorry, that original tweet was also deleted by the user. Here’s her bio, which you’ll need to read to fully understand ANOTHER tweet down below:

Mom of 3, caffeine junkie, knitter, liberal, pro-choice, feminist, Twins fan, sayer of inappropriate things. Will for sure contain explicit lyrics.

Here’s how Kahne reacted to @KnittingRad calling him out:

@kaseykahne Kasey Kahne
@KnittingRad And your a dumb bitch.

By this point the floodgates were wide the hell open and every nutcase on Twitter (and believe me, Twitter is full of them) was chiming in.  That included NASCAR fans (those still exist?) who took to defending their guy in a way that only guys in that demographic can do:

Pretty quickly, cooler heads started to prevail on this matter, and I’m sure the apology tweets from Kahne were prompted by pressure from his sponsors and car ownership:

Here’s the happy ending tweet that put a cherry on top of this nasty Twitter spat:

It took a combination of a large department store and a second tier NASCAR driver to show us just how passionate people get over breastfeeding. This is some serious shit.

Now here’s where I venture into choppy waters, because while I have no problem with breastfeeding in public, I think the whole breastfeeding cult is a little bit creepy. If you’ve had a kid then you know it starts in the hospital soon after your little bundle of joy is born. That’s when the lactation consultant shows up to basically demand that the mother whip out her boob and start giving up the goods.

I understand what we’ve been programmed to believe concerning the benefits of breastfeeding. We’re all told that the immunities built up in the mother are beneficially passed to the child through breast milk. Sweet, I’m on board with that, makes perfect sense.

But immunity isn’t something that’s built up by repeatedly consuming something, that’s not how the body works. If it was then we’d be down at Walgreen’s every two weeks getting flu shot after flu shot. Each gulp of breast milk isn’t some magic elixir that cures all ills. A breastfeeding mother simply has to leave her baby at day care for a few weeks to discover that.

Hell, I wish that breast milk had immediate immune boosting power. If that was the case I’d be searching for Cambodian breast milk every time I got a sniffle ($1 to Dave Chappelle).

Also, here’s something I’ve noticed about kids that are almost exclusively given breast milk: the little tikes look malnourished. There, I said it, the boob is out of the bra. People can bash Similac all they want, but that stuff appears to be the equivalent of a whey protein shake when it comes to putting meat on a baby’s bones.

Still, I’m not some breastfeeding basher, I’m all for it. I just want somebody in that cult to be a little more honest about the most obvious benefit. “Look, my boobs are full of this stuff and it’s basically free. Have fun buying all that Similac at Kroger.” BOOM, there you have it.

As for breastfeeding in public being accepted amongst segments of the population like NASCAR Nation, I just don’t see that happening. I’ve been to Winston/Sprint Cup races at Atlanta, Talladega and Rockingham (RIP, the Rock) and the people in those crowds insist that boobs should only be released in a double wide, a strip club or by Anna Paquin on any given episode of “True Blood.” Hell, screw NASCAR anyway, it started to suck ass right after that dipshit Sterling Marlin killed Dale Earnhardt.

POLL: What was LaMichael James screaming at this very moment?

First, take a look at the picture, this is Oregon running back LaMichael James enjoying some pre-Rose Bowl activities:

Now answer the poll question:

The Jazz enter the Pantheon of Horrible Opening Day Efforts

Going into yesterday’s play, the Los Angeles Lakers were 0-2 and playing their third game in three days. With Kobe Bryant nursing a torn tendon in his shooting wrist and all the buzz in town being with Chris Paul and the Clippers, what better time would there ever be to waltz into the Staples Center and steal a win?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I realize the team showing up in LA last night was the Jazz. Okay, I get it, this isn’t the most impressive assemblage of talent ever put together by that franchise. But this was their OPENER. A team with fresh legs should be able to push a tired opponent to the limit, especially one whose star isn’t 100%.

But no, the Jazz did pretty much the exact opposite. In one of the most monumental opening day bed crappings of recent memory, Utah shot 32% en route to a 96-71 loss. Al Jefferson, who’s usually a dependable double-double contributor, pulled down 10 boards for the Jazz but paired that with a 2-for-16 shooting effort.

2-for-16?!?!? That would look even more horrible if it wasn’t joined in the box score by Enes Kanter’s performance. He’s finally free, folks, and he shot 1-for-7 in his NBA debut. I can’t leave out C.J. Miles, who also contributed to the brick fest by going 1-for-8.

This is Utah’s first opening day without Jerry Sloan in a long time, and if the poor bastard were dead right now he’d be spinning in his grave so fast that you could hook a turbine to the coffin and light all of Salt Lake City. What a way to start off the Tyrone Corbin Era.

Watching that debacle unfold reminded me of other terrible opening day efforts I’ve witnessed in the past:

NFL - Seattle 30, Pittsburgh 0 (September 7, 1986)
Poor John Stallworth, he was still toiling for Pittsburgh long after the franchise’s glorious run in the 1970’s had ended. On this day he caught four of the nine passes that Mark Malone actually completed (he attempted 27). You know the poor bastard who still shows up at his favorite high school hangouts long after his buddies have taken off for college? That was Stallworth in 1986.

MBB - North Carolina 96, Syracuse 93 (1987 Tip-Off Classic)
Syracuse was a unanimous preseason #1 that season while North Carolina came into the game without the services of J.R. Reid and Steve Bucknall, who were both suspended following an altercation outside of a Raleigh bar. Somehow, the imposing frontline of the Orangemen (think Derrick Coleman and Rony Seikaly) allowed Tar Heel freshman Pete Chilcutt to go for 14 points and 13 boards en route to the upset. Ironically enough, Syracuse’s season would end in Chapel Hill the following March at the hands of an upstart Rhode Island team.

CFB - Miami 31, Florida State 0 (September 3, 1988)
Florida State was so confident coming into the 1988 season that they actually recorded this monstrosity:

Of the rap, Florida State head coach Bobby Bowden was quoted by SI as saying, “We’ll have to eat that thing if we lose,” and he was right. The ‘Canes damn near doubled up the ‘Noles in terms of total yardage (450 to 242) in what turned out to be FSU’s first shutout loss since 1976.

CFB - Appalachian State 34, Michigan 32 (September 1, 2007)
Yeah, this really happened:

It’s obvious I left some quality gems off that list, that was only what I could come up with off the top of my head. Feel free to share some other memorable opening day disasters we can all laugh at.

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