I knew the guy who applied the herbicide to the oak trees at Toomer’s Corner in Auburn would look crazy. I just didn’t think he’d look THIS crazy:
That is Harvey Almorn Updyke, who is – get this – a retired Texas State Trooper. That means Texas, Texas A&M, Baylor, TCU, Texas Tech, Sam Houston State, UTEP, North Texas, Rice, Houston and every other football program in the Lone Star State dodged a bullet by not having this nutbag as a superfan.
So it turns out that a retired police officer did what every other police officer on the planet wishes someone would do during the course of an investigation: Harvey confessed in public on the Finebaum radio show and gave enough details to lead the fuzz right to his front door in Dadeville, AL. I guess all those years of stopping speeders on Texas highways didn’t do much to make Harvey a master criminal.
I can only imagine the crazy things this dude must have done to people during his career as a law enforcement officer. I’m picturing things that would’ve made Harvey Keitel’s Bad Lieutenant cringe.
Now before I go any further, I want to thank Mark Zuckerberg once again for screwing over multiple people so he could create Facebook. Harvey’s got a page on there, a page that contains a very interesting nugget beyond the houndstooth ball cap he sports as his avatar. In his friend list is the following person:
Her listed last name is Chavez, but the URL for the page itself refers to her as “cupdyke.” Did Harvey actually name his daughter Crimson? What kind of person names his DAUGHTER after his favorite college team’s mascot? For the record, I grew up in North Carolina and never came across one girl named “Tar Heel Johnson” or “Wolfpack Graham.” You know why? Because I never knew anyone with a parent as crazy as Harvey Updyke.
This is yet another peek into Harvey’s twisted mind. While we Americans are passionate about the sports we love, fandom is ultimately a pastime for the vast majority of us. Sure, I dig the sporting world enough to actually write about it, but in the course of naming my daughter, nothing related to any sports teams I follow ever came into the equation when it came time to name her.
I realize now that I’ve stumbled across yet another factor that separates the passionate sports fan from the batshit nuts sports maniac. Naming your kid after a team you follow puts you into the latter category.
I’ll let Charles Goldberg of the Birmingham News provide the particulars of what exactly Harvey is being charged with:
Updyke was charged with one count of criminal mischief in the first degree, which is a Class C felony. A Class C felony carries a punishment of one to 10 years. (Birmingham News)