Did Toomer’s oak killer Harvey Updyke name his daughter Crimson?!?

17 Feb
February 17, 2011

I knew the guy who applied the herbicide to the oak trees at Toomer’s Corner in Auburn would look crazy. I just didn’t think he’d look THIS crazy:

updyke1

That is Harvey Almorn Updyke, who is – get this – a retired Texas State Trooper. That means Texas, Texas A&M, Baylor, TCU, Texas Tech, Sam Houston State, UTEP, North Texas, Rice, Houston and every other football program in the Lone Star State dodged a bullet by not having this nutbag as a superfan.

So it turns out that a retired police officer did what every other police officer on the planet wishes someone would do during the course of an investigation: Harvey confessed in public on the Finebaum radio show and gave enough details to lead the fuzz right to his front door in Dadeville, AL. I guess all those years of stopping speeders on Texas highways didn’t do much to make Harvey a master criminal.

I can only imagine the crazy things this dude must have done to people during his career as a law enforcement officer. I’m picturing things that would’ve made Harvey Keitel’s Bad Lieutenant cringe.

Now before I go any further, I want to thank Mark Zuckerberg once again for screwing over multiple people so he could create Facebook. Harvey’s got a page on there, a page that contains a very interesting nugget beyond the houndstooth ball cap he sports as his avatar. In his friend list is the following person:

crimson

Her listed last name is Chavez, but the URL for the page itself refers to her as “cupdyke.” Did Harvey actually name his daughter Crimson? What kind of person names his DAUGHTER after his favorite college team’s mascot? For the record, I grew up in North Carolina and never came across one girl named “Tar Heel Johnson” or “Wolfpack Graham.” You know why? Because I never knew anyone with a parent as crazy as Harvey Updyke.

This is yet another peek into Harvey’s twisted mind. While we Americans are passionate about the sports we love, fandom is ultimately a pastime for the vast majority of us. Sure, I dig the sporting world enough to actually write about it, but in the course of naming my daughter, nothing related to any sports teams I follow ever came into the equation when it came time to name her.

I realize now that I’ve stumbled across yet another factor that separates the passionate sports fan from the batshit nuts sports maniac. Naming your kid after a team you follow puts you into the latter category.

I’ll let Charles Goldberg of the Birmingham News provide the particulars of what exactly Harvey is being charged with:

Updyke was charged with one count of criminal mischief in the first degree, which is a Class C felony. A Class C felony carries a punishment of one to 10 years. (Birmingham News)

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17 replies
  1. Mac B from Tennessee says:

    I named my dog Gracie after my favorite Cubs first basemen, but I didn’t have a wife to answer to. Guys like you and me are only as crazy as our better halves let us be, we’re lucky like that.

  2. John Stansberry says:

    @ Mac B – You named your dog Gracie and not Santo?!? You, sir, ARE A NUTBAG.

  3. Lab says:

    This is a sad maniac to take revenge out because of a football team’s FAILURE to beat their in state rival out on our trees. I can’t fathom such a sick mind. He’s a freaking monster. To call in a radio show and bragg about killing our symbols of celebration just shows how scary this dude is. I feel bad for his family to have to be around this freak. How do you sink so low to actually kill beautiful living things like the Live Oaks?

  4. Rhonda Hamby says:

    Don’t know if you noticed in his “friends” list, but there was one named Bear Updyke…

  5. Sammi says:

    Harvey ain’t the only batshit nut… I graduated with a girl who named her daughter Crimson Ann… And you guessed it, baby daddy’s last name? White. She’s on Facebook too. A window into the world of batshit nutbags.

  6. bigv says:

    So…is it wrong for me to pray every night to God and ask him for a disease that specifically targets Bama fans?? Or, is that what rickets is for??

    Can’t we get a small asteroid to fall on Tuscaloosa or something??? At some point there’s GOT to be a karmic payback for the last 50 years right?!?

    V

  7. k says:

    @V wth kind of bs is that to say. Ur just like him if u would wish such a thing, hopefully that was a joke. I mean who would pray for such cruelness, I’m going to pray that god forgive you fior your pure ignorance.

  8. Lance says:

    Texas has very few trees. No wonder he hates them.

    Just glad no UCLA fans took the burning bush story literally when Reggie was at USC.

  9. Lance says:

    Btw, my three daughters are named Siran Stacy, George Teague and Major Olgivie? Is that wrong?

  10. John Stansberry says:

    @ Lance – It’s wrong because none of your daughters is named Bobby Humphrey.

  11. John Stansberry says:

    @ Rhonda – I am KICKING myself because I only looked at the friends that were listed on the main page, where Crimson was front and center.

  12. HeatherBrenda says:

    WOW what a dolt! I am so glad people like this breed…..

  13. dave says:

    I hate to call a mentally deranged person a fan of anything. I and sure ture fans of college football at AL. ARE AS UPSET WITH “HARVEY” as AUBURN fans are, but I know there are “batshit” pepole on both sides. Please do not judge the fans by the NUTS.

  14. Eleanorsmama says:

    As an Auburn fan who has lived in both Auburn and Tuscaloosa, I know that the REAL Alabama fans are cringing and hanging their heads in shame that this guy represents them. He is an exception to most of the bama fans I know.

  15. bigv says:

    @K OF COURSE that was a joke. I would have thought the proverbial rickets reference would have made that immediately obvious. It’s tragic that I have to explain this…then again perhaps my personal brand of humor doesn’t translate so well into text…

    Then again, what if we had the same scenario depicted by Deep Impact where we have one large asteroid and one smaller asteroid. You see, then I would have to pray that the large on hit Tuscaloosa and the smaller one hit South Bend, Id. Does that make me a bad person?? Yes?! Ok then, let’s have the large one hit South Bend and the small one can hit Tuscaloosa. Now everyone’s happy :)

    V

  16. Richard says:

    I live in Kilgore Texas and about 20 years ago there was an article in our local paper showing arrest reports. One of the persons arrested for a traffic infraction of some kind was “Crimson Tyde Updike”. I cut this article out an carried it with me for years before finally losing it. This the actual truth so help me Bear

  17. Zac says:

    @Eleanorsmama Well there is a difference between a “Bama fan” and a Bammer. Bama fans are like every normal person in America who likes sports. Bammers are like radical Islam suicide bombers who pray at the feet of Bear Bryant, most of which who have never went to college, let alone UA, and prolly couldn’t tell you where Tuscaloosa is on a map. Then again, every team for every sports at any level has those kinds of “fans”

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