| Lonely Tailgater’s inaugural Fan of the Week is Alan Richards of Evergreen, AL. Alan is a die hard loyalist who blindly follows his hero despite that fact that this particular guy is at best a marginal talent at what he does. No, this isn’t Dane Cook I’m talking about, it’s none other than Dale Earnhardt Jr. I sat down with Alan recently to talk about his love of Junior.
LT: Alan, how disappointed are you after watching every Sprint Cup race and not seeing your hero win?
Alan: I’ve usually gone through a case and a half of Busch Light by the time the checkered flag drops, so I don’t care. I’m usually face down on the coffee table by the time the race is over.
LT: So if you don’t care whether or not he wins, why do you follow Junior so loyally?
Alan: Son, don’t you know anything? That is Dale Earnhardt’s boy, he was actually once inside the Intimidator.
LT: What do you mean “inside the Intimidator?” You mean inside his trusted circle?
Alan: You’re about as useless as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest, son. He was IN-SIDE the man, you know, when he was a sperm.
LT: So you hold his father’s sperm in high regard?
Alan: Why, you got some to sell? I’ll pay you on the spot, right here. I once had a line on some and it turned out to be a joke. It was actually Darrell Waltrip’s sperm.
LT: Why don’t we move on. So are you saying that your love for Junior is an extension of your love for his dearly departed father?
Alan: Hell yeah! Anything the Intimidator touched is charged with this special kind of energy, you know, like a blessing from that Pope fella. Last year I paid $87 on eBay for a wrapper from a Hardee’s cheeseburger that Dale Sr. ate back in 1997. The Intimidator himself touched that wrapper, his DNA is probably on there. When I feel kind of sad or down or my parole officer is giving me grief, I sniff that wrapper and everything just feels better.
LT: How do you know that he actually touched that wrapper?
Alan: Jesus H. Christ, don’t you know a damn thing. I said I bought it on eBay, every single thing on there is verified to be authentic.
LT: Uh, yeah, that’s right, I forgot about that. Now that we’re on the subject of Dale Earnhardt Sr., here’s a funny story. I was in Rockingham, NC one time and I was coming out of a Lowe’s and there he was, walking into the…
Alan: You met the man? You met THE Dale Earnhardt?
LT: Well, yeah, only briefly. Anyway, getting back to my…
Alan: Did you shake his hand?
LT: Actually I did, he was a genuinely…
Alan: Which hand did you use?
LT: I believe it was my right hand since I’m…
Alan: How much you want for it?
LT: For what?
Alan: Your right hand.
LT: This interview is over. |
