Few surprises in the head football coach job listing at Arkansas

Quicker than Bobby Petrino can wreck his motorcycle and kill his career, Arkansas AD Jeff Long whipped up a job listing as the first step in finding himself a new head football coach. Let’s take a look:

Posting Number: 0B27GH48

Title: Head Football Coach

Work Schedule, hours/week: Variable

Working Title: Head Football Coach

Title Code: S017C

Type of Position: Classified

Department Code: ATH

Minimum Requirements:

• Must possess a Bachelor’s Degree from an accredited four-year college.
• Must have at least three years of prior experience as an assistant coach on the FCS level.
• Cannot have the first name “Houston” or last name “Nutt.”

Preferred Qualifications:

• Must have a disdain for all modes of transportation involving two or fewer wheels.  This includes motorcycles, bicycles, mopeds or unicycles.
• Applicant must not bang other employees of the University of Arkansas.
• Must have the ability to recruit skilled scholar athletes in a state that produces very few of them.
• First name must be “Garrick” and last name must be “McGee.”

Compensation: Negotible, but you won’t be disappointed.

Come to think of it, that “Preferred Qualifications” section might be a bitch for more than a few applicants.  Oh, in addition to posting that, I’m also going to add tags like “Jessica Dorrell nude” and “Jessica Dorrell ass” to this just to see how many sicko douchebags click through.  And if you do end up here based solely on searching for that tag, then don’t bother applying to Arkansas.  They’ve had their fill of poon hounds.

Bobby Petrino takes a giant dump where he eats

Don’t shit where you eat. We’ve all heard the saying but when push comes to shove not everyone takes heed of it. But not only did Arkansas head coach Bobby Petrino (who is married with four kids) not take heed of it, he did the polar opposite. He pretty much dropped trou on the break room table, pooped all over it, used the wrapper from his Subway BMT to wipe his ass and left that on the table as well.

Here’s how insane this cat is: he hired his mistress, a 25-year old blonde chick named Jessica Dorrell, to work for him. This level of insanity was revealed after Petrino had that now infamous motorcycle accident this past Sunday. He effed himself up pretty good (as you can see above), but what he failed to tell anyone, save the police who responded to the incident, was that Dorrell was a passenger on his bike. I’ll let Kurt Voigt of the Chicago Sun-Times fill in the details:

The 51-year-old Petrino didn’t mention he had a passenger during a news conference on Tuesday, two days after Sunday’s accident, and a school statement that day quoted Petrino’s family as saying “no other individuals” were involved. Petrino said then that he had spent Sunday with his wife, Becky, at a lake and was going for an evening ride. His only mention of Dorrell was vague, and without identification.

“When I came out of the ditch, there was a lady there that had flagged down a car,” Petrino said Tuesday, nursing four broken ribs and wearing a neck brace to support a cracked neck vertebra. “The guy that was in the passenger’s seat said, ‘Get in, we’ll just take you right to the hospital instead of waiting,’ and so I got in the car and they headed toward Fayetteville.”

In Thursday’s statement, Petrino apologized and acknowledged that he had kept quiet about Dorrell.

“I have been in constant pain, medicated and the circumstances involving the wreck have come out in bits and pieces. That said, I certainly had a concern about Jessica Dorrell’s name being revealed,” he said. “In hindsight, I showed a serious mistake in judgment when I chose not to be more specific about those details. Today, I’ve acknowledged this previous inappropriate relationship with my family and those within the athletic department administration.” (Chicago Sun-Times)

Petrnio’s hand was forced when the police reports related to the accident were about to be released yesterday. Can you imagine how that conversation went between he and his boss, Arkansas athletic director Jeff Long?:

Petrino - “Hey Jeff, it’s Bobby.”

Long - “Wow, Bobby, is everything okay? You feeling any better? What can I do for you?

Petrino - “Well, I need to talk about the accident.”

Long - “Listen, I’m here for you.  Hell, we’re ALL here for you.  Tell me what you need.”

Petrino - “It turns out Jessica Dorrell was riding with me. And I’ve sort of been banging her.”

Long - “Jesus titty fucking Christ, Bobby.”

So now, in the middle of Arkansas’s spring football practice, Petrino has been placed on administrative leave while we all search around and dig up pictures of he and his lady friend:

So in what capacity does Dorrell work for Arkansas?  Hell, let’s get the facts straight from Petrino courtesy of a press release from last week:

University of Arkansas football head coach Bobby Petrino announced Wednesday the hiring of Jessica Dorrell as Student-Athlete Development Coordinator.

“Jessica Dorrell will be a great addition to our football program,” said Coach Petrino. “As a former student-athlete she has an enthusiasm for the Razorbacks and is familiar with what the University of Arkansas can offer. She is extremely organized and has a professional approach, which should translate well into our program and recruiting as we continue to place an emphasis on this area.” (University of Arkansas press release)

Before Petrino hired her based strictly on her work ethic, Dorrell had previously worked for the Razorback Foundation, helping to coax money out of Arkansas athletic donors.  Who knows what stories are going to come about regarding her time there, but I tell you one thing: I will celebrate them ALL.

Seriously, how mentally ill do you have to be to bring your mistress closer to you in the workplace?  People might liken this mess to the Sypher-gate scandal that Petrino’s former Louisville colleague Rick Pitino got himself into, but there’s a huge difference.  Pitino was going to leave that mess at Porcini’s, he wasn’t looking to hire Karen Sypher to work with him.

And please, don’t get me wrong, I’m not implying that it’s okay to have an extramarital affair as long as you avoid giving your lover a job.  Oh no, betrayal is betrayal.  But let’s say Petrino’s mess was totally different, let’s say he was videotaped leaving a Fayetteville hotel room with a random Wal-Mart cashier he had met but then immediately owned up to it after being put on the spot.

At that point, he’d be a giant prick having to face his wife and kids and beg for their forgiveness.  But his employer, while embarrassed by having so public a figure as Petrino being caught in such a scenario, would at least have some wiggle room.  With the proper amount of contrition he might not be able to save his marriage, but at least he’d have a shot at saving his job.

However, the scenario that’s actually unfolded is a totally different beast with two backs altogether.  Petrino didn’t just cheat, no sir, not by a long shot.  He cheated, hired the trollop and then lied to his employer about it.  You know, the way Bruce Pearl and Jim Tressel lied to theirs.  And you see where that got them.

The urge to keep Petrino despite this mess will be pretty damn strong amongst some Arkansas faithful.  That’s because winning 10 games a year in the SEC, as Petrino has demonstrated he can do, makes you a lot of friends.

So Jeff Long will most certainly hear from some influential folks who value those W’s above all else.  But what he has to take into account above all else is the fact that he’s got a football coach he can’t trust.  And this has been a pattern with Petrino over the years.  He jerked Louisville around during his infamous flirtation with Auburn back in 2003 and he abandoned his post with the Atlanta Falcons before his first season on the job was even complete.

As a supervisor, do you really want to keep a guy with the kind of history that Petrino now has?  I wouldn’t.