Against the Tebow, Tom Brady is in a no-win situation

If you gauge Tom Brady’s accomplishments by what a 12-year old boy would most want to grow up to be - an NFL quarterback with multiple Super Bowl titles who’s banging a supermodel - then the dude has pretty much won the game of life. The cash he’ll continue to rake in via endorsements and such once he’s hung up his cleats will just be rich icing on an already decadent cake.

But as he prepares to lead his New England Patriots against the cultural phenomenon that is Tim Tebow, there’s a realization that Brady, despite all his wealth and accomplishments, doesn’t possess something that his Bronco counterpart does: a cult that worships him.

And let’s be honest, the Tebow fanatics are most certainly a cult. I haven’t seen grown heterosexual men adore another grown heterosexual man this much since, well, ever.

That’s not to say that Brady doesn’t have his own extremely ardent supporters, especially in Boston. “Are you retahded?!? Tahm Brady is the greatest quarterback of all time, even ahead of Steve Grogan. Now get me another Cutty and a tall boy.”

But even after multiple Super Bowl wins, Brady Fever never swelled to the fever pitch that Tebowmania is reaching right now. How out of control is it? TMZ never gets interested in an athlete unless he’s humping an actress or he gets arrested. But today this story was prominently featured at TMZ.com:

Even pro skier Lindsay Vonn has taken to Tebowing. Here she is last week after winning the Super G in Beaver Creek:

She showed up in the Tebow family box - yes, they’ve got their own box in Denver - to take in the Broncos’ 13-10 overtime win against the Bears this past Sunday. What she saw unfold was football IQ of the lowest order from Chicago running back Marion Barber followed by field goal kicking of the highest order from Denver kicker Matt Prater. In the end, Tebow had his sixth victory in a row as a starter.

That makes you wonder how much Tim Tebow actually had to do with that victory. But while his detractors point out his subpar completion percentage (48.5% so far) and pedestrian yards per attempt numbers (6.5, even lower than Mark Sanchez), at the end of the day you have to give credit where credit is due. For a starting quarterback a win is a win is a win, no matter how ugly his numbers look on the stat sheet.

Which brings me back to Brady. He’s the exact opposite of this, he rings up victorys while also having the courtesy to benefit fantasy leaguers in the process. In terms of yards per attempt, he’s having his best season ever (8.6 a throw). That’s saying a lot considering this is a guy who once threw for 50 TD’s in a season. And he’s not being helped out at all by a defense that’s allowing a mindboggling 416 yards a contest.

Despite the fact that the Patriots are being uncharacteristically generous these days, they are still 10-3 and atop the AFC East. When you look at it that way, if there really is a chosen one in the NFL these days it might very well be Brady.

Don’t get wrong, I’m not trying to sing the guy’s praises, he’s still a giant fucking douchebag. It’s just fascinating that Tebow’s most ardent supporters gloss over the fact that in the grand scheme of things, when you take into account all the measurables you can regarding a quarterback, he falls woefully short of his counterparts. It makes you wonder just how crazy the Tebowmaniacs would be if the guy actually put up Tom Brady-like numbers.

Not only that, those who point out Tebow’s deficiencies, as I’ve just done, are somehow branded as heathens by the most extreme of these cultists. It’s almost as if criticism of Tebow is an attack on evangelicals everywhere.

Slow down there, folks. Any criticism that Tebow endures is no different than what Trent Dilfer endured when he was an unflashy, meat and potatoes guy leading the Ravens to a Super Bowl win. It’s not an indictment of faith but rather a feeling that a guy probably won’t be enshrined in Canton once his playing days are done. For instance, I don’t care what religion Caleb Hanie practices, the guy is pure dogshit on a football field.

The fact that an awful lot of people can’t figure that out is, to be brutally honest, pretty damn pathetic. And I’m sure if New England goes into Denver and ends Tebow’s magical winning streak, these same rocket scientists will be ready to tie Tom Brady to a stake and burn him as a heretic.

“How dare that God-less fiend defeat the Lord’s chosen team! He must suffer for this!!!”

Poor Tom Brady, the bastard really is in a no-win situation. Even with it’s crappy defense, New England is supposed to beat Denver. If the Pats find a way not to do that, then Brady looks like a schmuck and Tebowmania grows even further. On the flip side, if Brady tosses four touchdowns in a rout, the equipment guy might as well change the name on the back of his jersey to “PILATE.”

Tim Tebow gets into the unmentionables business

Tim Tebow, whose jersey continues to be the fastest seller at NFLshop.com, is now tied to other stuff you can wear around.  The rookie quarterback has been named as the new spokesperson for Jockey:

“Tim is a highly gifted athlete with a positive attitude and an admirable character,” Jockey chairman and CEO Debra S. Waller said in a statement. “We at Jockey see a very bright future with Tim, and believe that he is an excellent representative for the brand. Tim is genuine, smart and driven and those qualities align well with Jockey. We look forward to building a long and collaborative relationship with him in the coming years.” (USA Today)

Maybe Jockey will come out with a new “Shroud of Tebow” line of t-shirts, with the image of his iconic face burned into the fabric.  I doubt there’ll be any Shroud of Tebow undies, though, because the thought of skidmarks across Tebow’s face would be pure sacrilege to Florida fans.

CNBC’s Darren Rovell got wind of all this and felt compelled to ask Tebow the question that millions of jean short wearing women have been dying to know the answer to: