All bow before Vontaze Burfict

September 30, 2009 by John Stansberry

Unconfirmed reports are circulating around that USC quarterbacks Matt Barkley, Aaron Corp and Mitch Mustain have all chosen to transfer out rather than face the beast that is Arizona State linebacker Vontaze Burfict. I find it curious that Mustain is going to pass up his chance to finally start a college game for someone other than Houston Nutt, but Burfict is just that much of a friggin’ bad ass.

Against Georgia, Burfict accidentially (I hope it was accidental) pushed the field judge into the line, which drew a penalty flag. But after the officials huddled up to discuss the actions of the beast, they suddenly acted as if the flag had never hit the field. “Nobody saw anything, nothing yellow hit the ground, let’s play some football.” Apparently, the fear of Burfict eating the first born child of each member of the officiating crew motivated all of them to do the right thing, you know, for the sake of family.

Next up for Arizona State is a date with Oregon State, home of the dynamic Rodgers brothers, running back Jacquizz and wide receiver James. You remember the movie “Saving Private Ryan,” where Tom Hanks and company went on a daring mission to prevent a single family from losing all its sons in WW2? I implore the U.S. Army to do something similar this week, please rescue the Rodgers brothers before Burfict has a crack at them.

Think I’m being funny? I’m just speaking the truth, and I’m certainly not going to sit here and do a version of those lame Chuck Norris jokes (Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song) with Burfict as the subject, because I’m not sure if the true freshman has a sense of humor. The last thing I want to do is piss off Vontaze Burfict.

The Arizona State media guide describes Burfict as a “ferocious hitter.” Now there’s the understatement of the new millenium. There is no picture of Burfict in the media guide next to his bio, and frankly, I’m thankful the media relations folks at ASU didn’t include one. Once you’ve seen the eyes of the destroyer, the descent into dread and total darkness will soon follow.

Burfict came into the public conscience as an All-Everything linebacker at Centennial High in Corona, CA. Apparently, that’s where General Stryker chose to reinsert the kid back into society after he coated his skeleton with adamantium at Alkali Lake. Burfict is listed at 245, but that skeleton alone has to weigh close to 300.

So how does the galaxy’s newest bad ass stack up with more established bad asses? Once you do the tale of the tape, it’s pretty obvious that Burfict would more than hold his own:

Vontaze Burfict vs. The Loch Ness Monster
Advantage: Burfict

Are you crazy? The Loch Ness Monster possesses neither the lateral movement nor the quickness to effectively deal with Burfict. This one’s over before it starts.

Vontaze Burfict vs. David Caruso
Advantage: It depends

This matchup is a lot harder to analyze. Are we talking the “CSI: Miami” Caruso? Burfict wins that battle hands down. But what about the Caruso from “Proof of Life?” Eh, it’s closer, but Burfict still wins. But if it’s Caruso from “Jade,” Burfict doesn’t stand a chance.

Vontaze Burfict vs. Kate Gosselin
Advantage: Burfict, but barely

If it’s just brawn on brawn, of course Burfict devours Gosselin whole and spits her bones out. But if she can keep her distance and wear him out with her constant nagging and bitching, it gets a lot closer. In the end, despite her efforts to weaken him with constant belittling, Burfict wins.

Vontaze Burfict vs. Real Atlanta Housewife Kim Zolciak
Advantage: Burfict, but barely

It appears that Burfict is immune to the kind of backstabbing and gossiping that Kim could throw at him. She would undoubtedly make a desperate attempt to gold dig him, but that too would fail, you know, since Burfict isn’t playing in the pros yet. But if Kim starts singing, all bets are off, because few living things can withstand a voice like that.