Is “Furry Vengeance” the new worst thing ever?

If you’ll allow me to digress for a few moments, I promise that after this rant, I’ll get back to searching for fake college basketball coaches on Facebook.

As a father of a six-month old girl, I’m very much aware that I’m on the verge of having to watch stuff that I would ordinarily avoid. I’ll have no problem with “Sesame Street,” because after all, is there any supporting cast member in the history of time better than the Count?

But there are grown men out there who turned to singing kids songs when their dreams of being the next Bono fell apart. And those men have shows that my little angel might want me to watch with her. As a Brando channeling J. Peterman said after seeing the Urban Sombrero on the cover of his catalog: “The horror….the horror…”

My wife and I don’t plan to sit her in front of the TV and leave her there, not by a long shot. But I know in coming years she’ll get wind of stuff from time to time that’ll be beyond bad, and she’ll BEG us to see it.

Which leads me right into a movie trailer I saw the other day for a family flick called “Furry Vengeance.” Little kids across the country have seen the same preview and are at this very moment begging their parents to take them. In case you missed it, your luck has run out, here it is:

If you laughed at anything you just saw, then you’re beyond reaching. As if images of Brendan Fraser splashing coffee on his face and spraying himself in the crotch with a sprinkler weren’t enough, you’re given the following gem of dialogue: “Dad, you’re building on a nature preserve…and nature’s ticked off!” Oy vey.

Not surprisingly, this movie (which opens today) is being universally panned by critics everywhere. For proof, here’s the Tomatometer:

There’s nothing funnier than reading a pissed off critic review a movie that he or she hated, so here’s a sampling of the overwhelming negative reaction to “Furry Vengeance”:

“Even calling it a family flick is to run the risk of guiding families toward it by mistake.” - Joe Neumaier, New York Daily News

“Director Roger Kumble began his big-screen career with a clever Dangerous Liaisons set in high school, Cruel Intentions, and worked his way down to College Road Trip and now this.” - Roger Moore, Orlando Sentinel

“Normally, I try to find something good to say about each movie I review. Dear readers, I am speechless.” - Nell Minow, Beliefnet

Brendan Fraser’s never been a particularly talented actor in my opinion, and his ‘tard clap didn’t do any favors for his rep:

Fraser’s taken a page from the Rock and steered his career toward more family-oriented fare. Translation: he’s starring in one steaming pile of crap after the other. “Journey to the Center of the Earth,” “Inkheart,” “Extraordinary Measures”….IMDB says he had an uncredited role in that “G.I. Joe” movie. As if I needed another excuse to avoid seeing that train wreck.

It’s not like the dude is forcing people at gunpoint to go to the multiplex and see his crapfests. No, he’s got an even better way to get men to part with their cash: get their kids or wives to coerce them. That’s a pretty slick plan right there, a plan that’s hitting a little too close to home. Don’t let the clap fool you, Brendan Fraser’s one smart dude.