The Larry King-ish Stream of Consciousness Column for April 13, 2012

In this edition of the LKSOC we discuss amateur NFL draft experts, the 7+ feet of uselessness that is Roy Hibbert and the new King of the ‘Necks:

◊ Everybody who hasn’t actually seen Ryan Tannehill play all tell me he’s dogshit

In the last few years, growing fan interest and the need for cable TV providers to fill programming time have converged to give us an unbelievable amount of NFL Draft coverage. No, I’m not talking about the actual event in New York when the players are picked while Jets fans makes asses of themselves. I’m referring to all the shit leading up to that.

From TELEVISING draft prospects running the 40-yard dash at the Combine to analysts dissecting the Pro Days of likely top picks, you just can’t get away from the NFL Draft even if you want to. This has spawned a legion of armchair draft analysts who think this torrent of coverage has turned them all into experts.

This has spawned a fascinating phenomenon where an off-the-radar prospect can make some noise at the Combine and then be torn a new asshole by these amateur draftniks before he’s even picked. I call it the “I didn’t hear about this guy during the college football season so he must be dogshit” effect, or IDHABTGDTCFSSHMBD for short.

The perfect case in point is former Texas A&M quarterback Ryan Tannehill, who’s stock has steadily risen due to positive buzz amongst NFL scouts. Because Texas A&M had the unfortunate habit of not being able to hold halftime leads this past season, Tannehill and his mates slipped into relative obscurity on the national scene by the time late November rolled around.

Now that he’s thrown a football or two for people who are actually paid to evaluate talent, he’s being assessed as arguably the third best quarterback available. From obscurity he’s shot up to being a probable top fifteen pick, much to the chagrin of every Mel Kiper wannabe who’d already put together a Tannehill-less first round draft board.

But like a bolt from the heavens, Brian Billick gave this gift to the draftniks who previously hadn’t given Tannehill a second thought:

Thanks, Brian, now I have to listen to all these swinging dicks give me reasons why Tannehill shouldn’t go in the first round, from his lack of experience to his subpar numbers against the better teams on A&M’s schedule. Draft speculation used to be limited to asswipes talking about who the first couple of picks might be. Now it’s morphed into amateur GM’s telling me which round a guy should be taken in.

It’s times like these when I realize that all along I’ve been surrounded by people who should be working in an NFL front office instead of dragging bar codes over the scanner at Target. It’s amazing that owners like Arthur Blank or Alex Spanos haven’t uncovered these hidden gems.

Look, I’ll be honest, I have no idea how a guy like Tannehill will pan out. Sure, he’s inexperienced, but if he sits on his ass and watches for a years, as guys like Steve McNair and Aaron Rodgers did, then he could very well turn into a decent pro quarterback. So why don’t we all ease up and let the guy actually fail (if he does) before declaring him a failure.

◊ Roy Hibbert really is dogshit

Switching from a player who may or may not turn out to be dogshit to one who actually is, I just gotta take Indiana Pacers center Roy Hibbert to task. Back on April 4 against the Wizards, Hibbert played 20 minutes and didn’t register a rebound. Dude is 7 FOOT 2. How does a 7 FOOTER log that much court time and never grab a board?

Muggsy Bogues was 5′3″ and averaged 2.6 rebounds a game for his career. So even he was good for a board or two each night. But against the Wizards (the WIZARDS?!?), Hibbert got goose egged. To make it worse, Washington forward Kevin Seraphin grabbed 10 in the contest (which Indiana still won, 109-96), and that fucker was born in France!

Before this debacle, Indiana had played 17 games in March, and in only two of those contests did Hibbert register double digit rebounding efforts. And this is after he started the season with double-doubles in five of the Pacers’ first seven contests.

I’m not sure if Indiana coach Frank Vogel climbed a chair and got into Hibbert’s face after the game or not, but something has changed. In the four games since that reboundless effort against the Wizards, Hibbert is averaging just over 11 boards and has two double-doubles to his credit.

◊ Bubba Watson wants to be your new redneck icon

Here’s the Master’s champ being even more rednecky than usual:

Good lord, at this point he should just get a Skoal endorsement and go on tour with Larry the Cable Guy and Ron White. “Hey, ya’ll, it’s me, Bubba! I went to Jowja and my swing ain’t purty! YEE HAW!!!!”

◊ Nothing left to see here

The Twitter updates are still coming on strong regarding Jessica Dorrell’s job status and how many texts Bobby Petrino may or may not have exchanged with Ms. Cleburne County. But here’s the deal: the dude has already been fired, his career is in ruins. There’s pretty much nothing left to see here.

Now if you’ve got a serious jones to dig up a pic of Petrino’s prick that he may have shared with a lady friend, well, that’s your prerogative. But the curtain’s already dropped on the juiciest part of this play. Anyone still dwelling is just needlessly piling on.