The Les Miles Watch - 9/3

This year we’ll try to dissect the man that is Les Miles as he tries in vain to hold on to his job. Each week we’ll speculate about his inner dialogue and try to guess what he’s up to each week as he prepares to lead LSU into battle.

The 2010 season is officially on us like stink on poop, and let me tell you, nobody is happier about it than Les Miles. You think he’s Larry Coker reincarnate?  Well, check that shit at the door, folks, because Larry Coker ain’t dead…but as head coach of UT-San Antonio, he probably wishes he were.

For the record, Les couldn’t detect any sweat on his ass today, which means his seat’s not hot.  Find other guys to make your cute little firing jokes about, how about RichRod or whoever that guy is who coaches Clemson, you know, the one with the funny name.  Because brother, Les Miles ain’t going ANYWHERE.

He is in the ZONE, people, I bet he already has his outfit picked out for tomorrow’s game, and it only took him an hour to settle on a sweet purple LSU polo he had tucked away in the back of his closet, right behind his Michigan windbreakers.  He’ll probably pair that with a white LSU hat.

Les probably hasn’t broken down any game film of North Carolina this week, because (A) they’re a basketball school and (B) half their starters will be back in Chapel Hill puffing on weed this weekend.  Ain’t no team missing that many people gonna beat Les Miles in the Georgia Dome.

That’s his home away from home, it’s Tiger Stadium East…except it has a roof.  And there’s a crappy neighborhood on one side of it.   And sometimes they have motocross there.  But I digress.  If he loses to a basketball school in the Georgia Dome, he might as well wear a Curley Hallman mask the rest of the season on game days.  No, wait, make that a Gerry DiNardo mask, because he’s uglier.

Instead of game tapes, I think he sat on the couch last night and watched some other inferiorly coached teams play.  Hey Spurrier, Les has got as many titles as you do, but know what’s missing from his resume?   An ass raping from Redskins fans.  That means he wins, he’s the better coach.

After South Carolina bored him to death, he flipped around and found something called Jersey Shore.  After watching it for five minutes he called up his grad assistant and told him to get this Ronnie guy’s number.  Les thinks he might have a left guard of the future, and he found him on TV! It’s like QVC, only different.

Let’s break down how this Les Miles Watch will play out this season.  Each week we’ll track his Mood, his Job Security and most importantly, his Overall Les Milesishness:

Mood: Totally chill and relaxed.  For all intents and purposes this game against UNC is a sight seeing trip.  Hell, Les might leave the Dome at halftime and walk over to the Georgia Aquarium to see the penguins.

Job Security: Did Gerry DiNardo ever win LSU a national title?  Right now, in his mind, Les Miles has a firm death grip on his job.

Overall Les Milesishness: High.  The tank is full, baby, it’s week one.