What Jeremy Foley’s voicemails have probably sounded like the last 24 hours

What a day it must have been for Florida athletic director Jeremy Foley. His highly successful football coach resigns on him and his life is suddenly a whirlwind. If you think he didn’t have time to even answer his cell phone for most of the day, then you’re right:

12/8 11:58 AM: “Mr. Foley, this is Joe Schad with ESPN. I desperately need a source on this Urban Meyer thing. It would really make me look good to my bosses if you were that source. Please call me back at ***-***-****.”

12/8 12:03 PM: “Mr. Foley, this is Coach Addazio calling. I know you’re extremely busy, but I was hoping I could get a couple of minutes with you this afternoon. I’m wondering what your thoughts are on promoting from within. Most successful organizations do that, it’s a pretty common practice. Just ring me back, you’ve got all my numbers.”

12/8 12:16 PM: “Jeremy, Bob Stoops at Oklahoma. I saw I had 12 missed calls from you but you didn’t leave a message. Sorry about that, I was getting a manicure and massage this morning and didn’t have my phone on me. Ring me back, let’s chat.”

12/8 12:42 PM: “Jeremy, it’s Jeannie Macaluso. Either the son of bitch coaches or he stays retired. So put him out to pasture so he can suck face with his wife and get me a coach who actually wants to coach this damn team. If not, then I’ll see to it that the only job you can get after this will be running the athletic program at East Bumfuck Junior College out in the panhandle.”

12/8 1:14 PM: “Jeremy, Pete Thamel here. I’ve gone to bat for you assholes a TON the last few years and this is the thanks I get? Coach Meyer takes off and I don’t get the exclusive? Wow, that’s great. Let me get back to writing my next article, which is entitled ‘Gainesville city jail doubles as Florida football locker room.’ Have a great press conference this afternoon.”

12/8 1:16 PM: “Mr. Foley, it’s Coach Addazio leaving you another message. Please check your email inbox when you get a chance, I forwarded you an interesting article from Forbes about the cost savings that companies realize from promoting loyal workers as opposed to going through those costly searches. Just give that a read when you get a chance. Hope you’re having a blessed day.”

12/8 1:20 PM: “Jerry, it’s Billy over at the basketball offices. I just got your Christmas card with the Golden Corral gift card in it. Did you forget that I won this school a couple of national titles? I know I won’t forget, because I’ll be reminded of that when I catch a glimpse of my title ring as I’m grabbing the gravy ladle at the GC. Merry friggin’ Christmas, let me know how you enjoy those golf clubs I sent you.”

12/8 1:38 PM: “Jeremy, this is Lee Corso returning your call. Like I told you before, I don’t know where the head piece of your Gator mascot is. The last time I saw it was in the back of Herbstreit’s rental, and he was driving off with a couple of hookers. So try throwing some heat his way.”

12/8 2:02 PM: “Mr. Foley, it’s Steve Addazio again. Just letting you know that I do have my cell phone on me but I’m also in my office as well. So you can try either number and I’ll get the call. Hope to hear from you soon.”

12/8 2:30 PM: “Jeremy, it’s Butch Davis calling from Chapel Hill. Jesus, man, get me the hell out of this mess. I’ll take a 50% pay cut and I’ll mow your yard every damn summer, just hire me tonight. Come on, do me a solid man, I need a life raft here. You know I can coach, dammit! Now call me back ASAP, okay?”

12/8 2:44 PM: “Hi Mr. Foley, it’s Steve Addazio once again. I heard my office phone ring but I was down the hall getting a Diet Dr. Pepper and couldn’t get back in time. There was no message so I was just checking to see if that may have been you calling.  Give me a shout back, okay?  Oh, one other thing, I just want to tell you what an honor it’s been working under you.  Just wanted to let you know.  Take care, and call me back.”

12/8 2:52 PM: “Jeremy, it’s Jimmy Sexton calling on behalf of whoever you want me to be calling on behalf of. What about Tuberville? You want him? I could have him there in five hours, just say the word. And just hear me out on this, okay? Houston Nutt’s best days are ahead of him. Just take that and process it a little while, alright?  Hey, let’s get together soon and tear it up like we do every year. Give me a shout.”

12/8 3:16 PM: “This call is for Jeremy Foley. This is Ricky at the Blockbuster Video on 23rd Avenue. Just a reminder that ‘Harry and the Hendersons’ is now 10 days late and you’re racking up some mean late fees on that. Maybe I shouldn’t tell you this, but you can probably download that movie for free off the internet. Just a suggestion. Please return that when you get a chance, and have a great day.”

12/8 3:48 PM: “Mr. Foley, this is Dr. Stewart’s office. Just leaving a message to let you know that your tests came back negative, but please call us back if that rash flairs up again. Have a great day!”

12/8 4:11 PM: “Mythter Foley, it’s Lou Holth here. I was jeth wonderin’ if you might need thum help with that coaching thearch you have on your hands now. I have definitely theen my share of coaching thearches and I might be able to provide some inthite into what it takes to hire a good coach. Jeth call me back if you get the chance, you have my number.”

12/8 4:18 PM: “Honey, please pick up some coconut flakes and some laundry detergent on the way home. Oh, and Coach Addazio keeps calling the house looking for you, please call him back so he stops bothering me.  See you soon, sweetie.”

12/8 4:29 PM: “Foley, it’s Slive. We don’t need another Zook in this league, partner. Remember that.”

12/8 7:48 PM: “Hi Mr. Foley, it’s Coach Addazio again. I’m leaving my office now but I definitely have my cell phone on me if you want to call that number. Great press conference, by the way, I thought you looked very regal.  Bye for now.”

12/9 9:11 AM: “Jeremy, this is Howard Schnellenberger. Just wondering if you got the box of Whitman’s Samplers that I sent over that had my résumé attached. In case you’re wondering about that year I spent at Oklahoma, I actually left on my accord, they didn’t fire me. Just want to straighten that out. Oh, and I love the state of Florida, did I mention that? Call me back any time of day or night, my number is ***-***-****.”