Word of advice: don’t take relationship advice from blogs other than mine

Dudes, the blog is called DFTM: The Online Dating and Relationship Guide for Men, and it’s here to help each and every one of you. Recent entries on the blog have included “Signs Your Girlfriend is Married,” “Approaching Attractive Women” and “Falling for Beautiful Criminals.”

Dating can be confusing, especially for the guy who can’t figure out why chicks seem so turned off that his Chemistry.com photo was taken seven years and 40 pounds ago. Dammit, these women are like riddles wrapped inside Rock & Republic jeans wrapped inside other confusing stuff. Don’t fret, guys, DFTM has your back.

What’s not to like about a blog like this? After all, us dudes all wonder from time to time whether the women we’re with are really criminal masterminds. But I really have to call into question the layout as well as some of the supporting content:

“Dammit, why can’t I remember those unhealthy relationship signs that I read about on DFTM. Why, why, why….wait, I know, I was too busy staring at Bar Rafaeli’s rack.”

Rule number one for a blog that purports to be a relationship guide for men should be the following: don’t have a “Hottest Woman of the Week.” Why? Because the dude behind the blog probably doesn’t have a knowledge base that was built through actual contact with women. No, you’re dealing with a guy whose knowledge base was built through a combination of Maxim, Details and stories his dad told him about the Rat Pack.

Gentlemen, if you want solid, honest to goodness relationship advice, look no further than this crappy blog. Here’s all you need to know:

1. Never date a woman with a neck tattoo - A woman who tattoos her neck is capable of anything, including slitting your throat.  Tramp stamps can be waved off as a weird weekend in Destin that she had with friends, but ink on her neck? You might be dealing with mental illness.

Run like hell from this

2. Cut your nose hair - We all see it, dude, but you know who sees it the most?  The women you’re hitting on.

3. Don’t be a prick, watch that chick flick - Getting the urge to bitch and moan over the fact that you’re having to watch that crapfest “Valentine’s Day” with your lady (which, thankfully, my wife would never ask me to do)? Yeah, doing that will come in real handy a few months down the road when you suggest going to see the newest entry in the esteemed Aliens vs. Predator series. Oh, she’ll really be on board with that plan in the wake of your hissy fit. If you shut up and put in your time, she’ll put in hers.

4. Pay attention, douchebag - You know why she always looks disappointed when she opens your gifts?  Because when you two went to the mall, you split up and spent all your time at GameStop and three different varieties of Foot Locker.  If you hadn’t gone your own way to look at the newest Air Max, then you could be around when she points out things she likes, which you then in turn file away for those special gift giving occasions.  This isn’t rocket science.

5. Everything she cooks is the best friggin’ thing you’ve ever eaten - It’s amazing how guys suddenly turn into food critics when their lady didn’t make that meal exactly the way their mom whipped it up back in the day.  Hey man, before you met your lady, the extent of your cooking abilities was the ability to memorize the microwave cooking times for Hot Pockets, CPK personal pizzas and Jimmy Dean sausage biscuits. So wise up and treat every bite of her food like it’s the best damn thing you’ve ever eaten.  Hell, it’s not like your mom is the Barefoot F’ing Contessa, anyway.

6. Stop staying up late and blogging - Woops.